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How To Become a Conspiracy Theorist 101

Welcome, future Assuminati podcast listeners! If you've landed here, chances are you're either a diehard fan of The Assuminati Podcast, or your navigational skills need serious improvement. Regardless, we're thrilled to have you. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare to don that tinfoil hat, because today we're exploring how to become a conspiracy theorist – all simplified and spiced up.

Step 1: Question Everything

Here's a mantra for you to memorize: "Nothing is as it seems!" Repeat this every morning, every night, and particularly when someone mentions something mundane like the moon landing or Denver Airport. Make it your conspiracy theorist war cry, and your journey is half-done!

Step 2: Embrace the Rabbit Hole

Every conspiracy theory has a rabbit hole deeper than the Mariana Trench. Let yourself freefall. Dive deeper, then deeper still, until you've reached a point of no return. It's chaotic, mind-boggling, but oh so exhilarating!

Step 3: Google Is Your Friend

And so is YouTube, and Reddit, and that obscure forum you found at 3 AM. The internet is your endless library of 'alternative facts'. Remember to pepper your conversations with phrases like, "I saw it on the internet, it must be true."

Step 4: Trust No One

Is your best friend casually mentioning that the Earth is round? Are they part of the 'Round Earth Society'? Perhaps your dog is acting weirdly, is he a spy for the Illuminati? Trust. No. One.

Step 5: Create Your Own Conspiracy Theory

So, you've got a few conspiracy theories under your belt, but have you created your own yet? There's a sort of power trip that comes with creating an original conspiracy theory. Is your neighbour really just watering their plants, or are they communicating with extraterrestrials? The possibilities are endless!

Step 6: Wear Your Tinfoil Hat with Pride

A conspiracy theorist is not complete without the official headgear. The tinfoil hat will protect you from mind control, alien signals, and weird looks from your friends and family. You're now part of an elite club that sees beyond the obvious!


And voila, you're a bonafide conspiracy theorist! Embrace your new identity and remember, we're living in a world filled with secrets, and it's our job, nay, our duty to unravel them, no matter how many layers of tinfoil it takes. After all, isn't life more fun when you're part of the Assuminati?


And there you have it, future Assuminatis! You're now equipped with all the essential know-how to plunge into the perplexing realm of conspiracy theories. But remember, this is just the tip of the (not melting because of climate change) iceberg!


Our fantastic trio - Matt, Brandon, and Bobby - will be dropping more wisdom nuggets and eyebrow-raising conspiracies in future episodes of The Assuminati Podcast. So why wait? Find us on your favorite podcast app, and be sure to hit 'like', 'subscribe', and 'follow' so you never miss out on a chance to question reality as we know it.


Thanks for joining us on this wild ride, and remember, in the world of Assuminati, the extraordinary is always just around the corner. Happy conspiracy hunting! Remember, the truth is out there – and it's probably stranger than you think! And until next time, keep those tinfoil hats at the ready!

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